Today, it's okay to admit that I have been struggling pretty deeply with depression lately. Today, it's okay to admit to the world that I don't feel well, and just want to lie back down and go to sleep until this is over. I'm not suicidal today. I haven't been for about three years. I'm thankful for that.
I know that I'm depressed, and there is no hiding from it. If I try, I'll totally sink under it. I don't want to sink. I'm going to use this blog for a little while as a way to stay connected with reality. If someone outside me can read what I feel, then what I feel is real.
This started before we went to Nevada, and therefore before my Dad was in the hospital. The events which took place in Nevada served as a distraction from my own feelings. Then when I wasn't needed anymore and came home, my depression slipped back in. It never truly goes away. I have good days, but depression itself is something I will struggle with probably for the rest of my life. Through the miracle of anti-depressants, my good days last longer and are more productive. However, if I forget to take them regularly or once I build up a tolerance to the medication I'm currently on, they lose their effect, and I'm very likely to become depressed again.
I'm not angry about any of this. I'm not saddened, either. Depression is part of my life. It's something that comes and we deal with. It's something that can be treated and maintained, but not cured in this life. I understand the power of the atonement, but I also know the will of the Lord concerning this through personal revelation.
For now, I feel isolated and alone. I can't remember how to communicate properly with others. If someone reaches out to me, it's almost impossible to feel their love, although I do crave the love others show. When I think of others, I see them looking down on me and scrutinizing my every action. I'm very afraid of the ones I need to help me get better.
Now that I've said that, I feel less antsy. I'm afraid of the people who love me, which prevents me from getting help, which further encourages my depression.
When I feel like writing again, I will. I need to know that I'm not alone right now.
You're not alone, Hunny! I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember and as of the last 5 years, I've gone untreated and it's just getting worse. And those pregnancy hormones don't help, either. Hope you get to feeling better soon. If you ever wanna talk, about anything, just email me. :)
ReplyDeletebrandi(dot)montenegro(at)yahoo(dot)com