So, as lots of you know, my dad's back in the Huntsman Cancer Institute.
When he had his larynx removed, he also had the lymphnodes in his neck removed, which now causes fluid to become trapped in his face/head. This is likely the cause of a series of severe nosebleeds he had at home which became bad enough, which, along with the swelling preventing him from breathing through his stoma, caused him to be air flighted to the hospital here.
He's stable right now, and communicates by writing the things he wants to say. When I visited him tonight, he was cracking jokes like his normal self.
I think that right now, I need to vent and to cry a little bit. I need to draw on the strength and support of others because emotionally and physically, I am exhausted.
Due to road conditions being so dangerous right now, my mom is in Winnemucca still. I'm totally fine with that, and actually encourage her to be there so she stays safe. However, this causes my little family to be the only ones who are close to the hospital and can take care of my dad while he's there. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with him, and I'm glad were here to take care of him. I feel torn, though, since Anya needs me and can't stay at the hospital for too long before getting fussy and needing to go home to take a nap. I mean, she's 4 months old! She's now aware of the world and would rather cry for hours on end than take a nap during the day. Unfortuantely, this doesn't work for me at the hospital. (Heck, I want to rip my hair out at home when she decides to scream in order to stay awake.) Her Grandpa LOVES seeing her, and thouroughly enjoys the company when we visit, but I always feel our visits are too short. I feel that he needs more. So tonight, I left Anya with Daniel and went to the hospital by myself. I felt good at being able to stay for a few hours, but when I got home, I felt horrible for not being there with/for Anya and Daniel. Now here I am, unable to sleep, becuase I feel so bad for not holding my baby before she went to sleep, not having any time with my husband today, and for not being able to be with my dad for longer periods.
To make matters worse, I keep thinking about the fact that, as exhausted as I am, Anya is going to be awake wanting to eat in 4-5 hours. Then I think of how tired I'll be tomorrow, then I think of my poor dad in the hospital again and of how sick he has gotten in the past year or so, and I just...kind of worry about how to fix what's making the guilt I have happen. So this is where I need some help. Right now, I just really need some love and support and praise for what I'm trying to do for my childhood family and my grown-up family. Please, I really need some help right now.
Hang in there, Stephanie--I know you feel like you are being tried so much, but I am praying for you. And Andrew wrote in his last letter some good advice: He said that he has learned to enjoy the down times in his life because he knows that tremendous blessings are on their way after! He also cautioned that those are the times when we need to double up our effort to be righteous, but we can take comfort and hope in the fact that better things are coming. Isn't that a great thought? Trials come, but blessings will come too.
ReplyDeleteAnyway dear gal, don't kick yourself and feel guilty about things you have no control over. Just hang in there and we hope and pray your father will be blessed. Love you dear girl!
Love
Tracy
Thank you, Tracy. I sure love you.
ReplyDeleteOh Steph- I'm so sorry for all your stress and heartache! Remember that Heavenly Father never gives us more than we can handle, so you can do this! I think that one great blessing of being married and having a wonderful spouse is being able to share in everything- the fun times, and the hard times. I don't think you need to feel guilty for leaving Anya with Daniel- you are very blessed to have a husband who will gladly keep the baby so that you're free to go be with your Dad. Let Daniel take her- it's only for a short time, and he probably enjoys the one-on-one time with her, as he's usually working all day and misses out on a lot with her. It is so hard to balance everything that life throws at us, huh? I'm constantly fighting the battle of Mom-duties vs. life duties, and beating myself up for not figuring out how to balance it all a little bit better by now. So, how can I help? Can I take Anya for an afternoon so that you can go to the hospital to be with your Dad? The only problem is, Blake has been sick the past few days and I'm trying to get him in to the Dr. today to get put on something. As soon as he's not sick anymore (which I'm hoping this is on it's way out...) I am free to do whatever it is that I can. I love you, Steph! Hang in there, and you are in our prayers, too!
ReplyDeleteStephanie,
ReplyDeleteEveryone has had great things to say. Being a mother of five, I can attest to the fact that it really is okay to let Daddy have a few hours of snuggle time every now and then. If you were leaving them every night to go out to dinner and watch a movie and go clothes shopping and spending money you don't have and basically being selfish all the time, then you might want to have a little guilt, bu there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty for leaving them for two hours to visit your dad! Or even an occasional night out just for you, as women we need a break from all of the responsibility so we can fill our reservoir so we have something to give again. Second, your dad knows how much you love him, and he knows about having a young family- he's been there before. As someone that was in the hospital for three weeks, any visit is great, and to be honest, to have short visits split up through the day was much better than one long visit. The hours can get long, and a break for any amount of time is appreciated. You are doing your very best to meet the needs of those you love, and that is enough! Now here's some real good news, the weather is getting better, and your Mom will be there soon:-) to end with one of my favorite quotes "when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!" you can do it!
-Melissa Johnson (daniel's cousin-in-law)
Stephanie,
ReplyDeleteYou need to understand that Daniel and Anya (yes her too) understand that you are going to be gone sometimes, and they're ok with it. I'm sure that Daniel likes his time alone with Anya, and she enjoys her daddy time too. You also need to remember that when you're stressed Anya can feel that stress and that stresses her out too.
Don't feel guilty for not being home with your family and for spending time with your dad, or vise versa, they all understand (I'm sure) that you've got a lot going on, your dad enjoys seeing you, but I'm sure he remember what it's like to have a little one and understands when you have to leave. Like you said, Anya is 4 months old and she's tired and hungry and poopy or wet and teething all the time. Life is tough when you're a baby, lol. Have faith in your family and don't feel guilty, things will work out.
When I started going back to work for the first time after Keena was born, I would leave right after she woke up and be home after she went back to sleep. I hated it just as much as you do I'm sure. Don't worry about it; easier said than done I know. But know that your husband, and your daughter, and your father love you very much, and remember that the lord never gives you more challenges than you can face; :).
Try to get some sleep and don't worry about everything at the same time. I know we don't talk much, but I'm always here if you need me ok! Much love! Have a merry Christmas.
Amy (Biesinger) Todd