Serious Post

(Just a note: This isn't us announcing anything. I'm totally not pregnant, and I don't want anyone to incorrectly assume so.)


I am approaching a point in my life which I have been either trying to rush or avoid for the past year. I've been acting out of terror, knowing that this moment has to come, but afraid of what will happen when it does. I've tried rushing it, trying to get it over with, or I've tried hiding from it, never wanting to face it. The moment has finally come, and all I can do at this time is flow with it, and wait for whatever comes next. Right now, the most terrifying thing to me is making all of this public. I'm tearing down walls I built to keep myself safe. To make things right, though, I have to let someone in. I have to talk, and I don't know how to be as honest and open as possible any other way. Maybe this is dumb, but it feels right.

The moment I have been anticipating has come. I've waited over a year for it, never knowing exactly when it would happen, but knowing it would. I wasn't even sure what exactly it would be. I just knew it would be from the Lord, somehow. Something would be set into motion, and I would be involved in it. It seems so simple, now that it's here.

It began Saturday night. Daniel and I were talking about our short-term plans, and he gently reminded me that as I am not working right now, it may be hard for my emotional health this semester. (Yes, I finally quit. It felt right and necessary to quit my job at NuSkin.) I realized the truth in his words, and thought about what would make my life have more meaning this semester. I don't have kids, so I wouldn't be able to wrap my life around them like I had planned on doing by now. I remembered that I felt most whole when I was in Young Women and would help organize and participate in service projects. I looked up United Way to see what I could do for them, and decided on making and donating a quilt to a program designed for At-Risk Youth. Since my quilt-making skills are far below average, it takes me quite some time to get my quilts right. Based on this, I figured I could get one done by Christmas, and donate it as a Christmas present.

Last night, our home teachers came over, and shared a lesson with us which brought to my mind an experience, the details of which I will not share at this time. What I will share from this experience is that the Lord heard the prayer of me as a small child when I only had the simple faith of a small child. He didn't have to, and could have let the consequenses of what was happening continue. He did hear me though, and this reminded me that he doesn't forget me. I sometimes forget him.

Today I got the supplies for my quilt, and began working on the blanket. As I cut the fabric and shaped the blocks, I had ample time to think. Since I was keeping busy, I wasn't able to dwell on much, which was a blessing to me. At unpredictable times as I felt a twinge of guilt, thinking of some of the things I have said or done, which at the time seemed harmless, but looking back, realized I had said or done something which may have been considered rude. The worst ones were when I realized I had good intentions, but didn't listen to the Spirit, so ended up hurting the ones I was trying to help. Like I said, I was busy, so didnt dwell on these experiences too much.

Before Daniel went to bed tonight, we were talking, and I realized that I have been placing my life on hold, actually, a better phrase would be that I haven't been living my life, waiting to have a baby. In waiting for this, and being consistantly dissappointed, I haven't been enjoying anything in my life that the Lord has blessed me with. I realized all of this, and came to the conclusion that I need to stop waiting for this event that just isn't happening. It's time to stop letting myself hurt so deeply over my loss, and stop wasting the precious days I have on this earth. In all of this, I don't feel a sense of obligation to do any of this. Instead, I feel the river of peace which, for me, means it is time to go and do.

At this time, it is so simple. It is time to get up, and listen to the promptings of the spirit as I do what the Lord requires. I could run and try to hide, but this isn't the time to do so. I could say "no," but that would not be right. What I will do is flow with this river of peace I feel, and let it take me wherever it will.