When I think about my first pregnancy, I'm not hurt like I was before. In fact, I'm not hurt at all. Based on the knowledge I have about the Plan of Salvation, I know that my child is out there somewhere serving our Father in Heaven. The child is still mine no matter what, and I know that someday we'll be reunited as a family. I'm actually pretty excited to get to know this person. Before Anya was even a prospect to us, thinking about the miscarriage hurt me so deeply that I almost couldn't function.
Now that I have Anya, I'm so appriciative for her in my life. Her very life is a miracle. For me to concieve without any kind of fertility treatment was supposed to be almost impossible. Since I was also on the pill, there is no reason why I should have become pregnant in the first place. I also have a pretty high chance for miscarriage with any pregnancy. Without the medication I had been on, there was about a 30% chance of keeping her. With the medication, that went up to about a 60% chance. Anya overcame so much before she was even born! Then, when I was in labor, we very well could have lost her. Had it not been for the attentive nurses and the miracle of C-Sections, my sweet baby may very well have been strangled to death before even taking her first breath.
Her amazing, wonderful spirit is helping me to keep going. I wouldn't say she helps me to overcome my depression since it's a constant battle that will never truly be "overcome." She does give me greater motivation to get up and stay busy. She's like Daniel, in that she can make me smile and laugh no matter how badly I'm feeling. It's in no way her responsibility to take care of me and make sure I'm mentally healthy, but looking into those beautiful, observant blue eyes fills me with something that I normally lack. I'm not quite sure what that which I lack is exactly, but Anya has it and can share it.
Anya is everything I had ever wanted in a child. She's spunky, smart, strong, beautiful, patient (most of the time), forgiving, and as a child, teaches me how to live in a way that I've forgotten. From her, I'm rediscovering the magic of feet, the absolute pleasure of seeing someone new, and what a hero her daddy is to both of us. Her love for life is completely contagious! I must admit that I'm slowly becoming an optomist.
Thank you, my sweet little one, for teaching me how to see life and all its magic and wonders again.
No comments:
Post a Comment