A Bit On Motherhood

After Daniel put Anya to bed (since I'm having more seperation anxiety than the baby about this whole sleeping in the crib thing) I had a few thoughts that I'd like to share.

When I think about my first pregnancy, I'm not hurt like I was before. In fact, I'm not hurt at all. Based on the knowledge I have about the Plan of Salvation, I know that my child is out there somewhere serving our Father in Heaven. The child is still mine no matter what, and I know that someday we'll be reunited as a family. I'm actually pretty excited to get to know this person. Before Anya was even a prospect to us, thinking about the miscarriage hurt me so deeply that I almost couldn't function.

Now that I have Anya, I'm so appriciative for her in my life. Her very life is a miracle. For me to concieve without any kind of fertility treatment was supposed to be almost impossible. Since I was also on the pill, there is no reason why I should have become pregnant in the first place. I also have a pretty high chance for miscarriage with any pregnancy. Without the medication I had been on, there was about a 30% chance of keeping her. With the medication, that went up to about a 60% chance. Anya overcame so much before she was even born! Then, when I was in labor, we very well could have lost her. Had it not been for the attentive nurses and the miracle of C-Sections, my sweet baby may very well have been strangled to death before even taking her first breath.

Her amazing, wonderful spirit is helping me to keep going. I wouldn't say she helps me to overcome my depression since it's a constant battle that will never truly be "overcome." She does give me greater motivation to get up and stay busy. She's like Daniel, in that she can make me smile and laugh no matter how badly I'm feeling. It's in no way her responsibility to take care of me and make sure I'm mentally healthy, but looking into those beautiful, observant blue eyes fills me with something that I normally lack. I'm not quite sure what that which I lack is exactly, but Anya has it and can share it.

Anya is everything I had ever wanted in a child. She's spunky, smart, strong, beautiful, patient (most of the time), forgiving, and as a child, teaches me how to live in a way that I've forgotten. From her, I'm rediscovering the magic of feet, the absolute pleasure of seeing someone new, and what a hero her daddy is to both of us. Her love for life is completely contagious! I must admit that I'm slowly becoming an optomist.

Thank you, my sweet little one, for teaching me how to see life and all its magic and wonders again.

This Keeps Happening

I'm not really sure how she manages this based on how I swaddle her to begin with.

Three Months Old!

This week, our little cutie is three months old! (12 weeks old, technically) Since we still lack a camera, I don't have any cute three month old pictures of her (sad!) but I'll describe some of her development.

Anya can roll over! This isn't necessarily the best thing in the world, since now she likes sleeping on her side. If I don't swaddle her to prevent any kind of movement except breathing, she'll roll to her side or tummy. When I adjust her to lie on her back, she immediately goes back to her side.

She's understanding that there has to be a way to move from point A to point B while on her tummy, and can succeed in sticking her bottom up in the air with her face planted on the floor and her arms flailing around. She's learning how her little graspers work, and practices using them by holding my hands when I feed her. She'll pick up her binky when it's close to her and she wants it, but usually ends up throwing it rather than getting it in her mouth. When it's in her mouth, she'll hold it in place either with her palms, or by grabbing her blanket and holding it over the bink. (Normally, it's with the blanket. I'm not sure why she thinks that works better than by using her hands.)

She discovered the use of her tongue, and licks EVERYTHING that comes in close poximity to her mouth, which is usually my arms, my hands, or her arms. She thinks it's funny when she watches us eat spaghetti, and laughs her head off when the noodles wiggle around. She gets jealous when we eat anything else in front of her, and glares at us since we don't share. This lead to Daniel and I letting her taste the bread of the sandwiches we were eating the other day. She didn't like bread. I let her taste a cookie. She liked the cookie. I even went as far as putting a little chocolate ice cream on my finger when she was fussy last night and let her taste it to gether to be quiet. Well, she's definitely her father's daughter, in that she made a disgusted face and SCREAMED when she processed the flavor! Someday we'll have a kid who likes the things I like...(except likely not, since my body has issues with the whole conception thing.)

Her new noises include, "Eh Bah!" When she wants attention, "Ummuh..." when she's hungry, something that resembles, "yeah" when we talk to her and ask questions, and has started a tantrum cry...yay for us...

She's a social butterfly, and loves interacting with anyone who will look at her. If no one is looking at her, she'll make her cute, "I love you, pick me up!" noises. If no one listens, it makes her sad and she starts to cry. (Which is generally why we have to take her out of Sacrament meeting on Sundays.)

Well, the little cute just woke up from her nap, and is making happy noises in her crib, so it's time to play with Mommy!

Blessed

As of late, my posts have been mostly angsty, complainy, or severely opinionated. To show that I'm not completely pessimistic, (though I am a pessimist) argumentative, (therefore at times easy to manipulate) and opinionated, (sometimes) I want to talk about some of the things I'm thankful for. Just so all of you faithful readers know, I'm on day three of an intense migraine that refuses to go away in spite of all the excedrine I've been taking. This makes my cognitive abilities turn to mush, so excuse the spelling and gramatical errors.

I'm thankful to live close to the Huntsman Cancer Hospital. While my dad has been there recovering from his surgery, we've been able to take little Anya to visit him, which totally melts his heart. She loves her Grandpas, and it's so nice to have her and my dad spend time together. I'm also thankful for the hospital and doctos who have been working with him. In the very least, they've given him hope for the future. If everything goes as expected, he'll be able to eat as well as speak again. As far as I know, his tumor was benign. I'm thankful to have my dad in my family's life.

I'm thankful for baby Anya. She is such a light in our lives. I'm also thankful that she is demanding her space today since Daniel got me sick. This allows me to lie down and rest while she plays/sleeps in her own bed.

I'm so thankful for my Daniel. He works so hard to take care of me and Anya. Aside from working to support our financial needs, he is always quick to take Anya when I'm completely overwhelmed. He never complains, even if it's 2 am and he has work in the morning. He's a wonderful husband who is attentive to me and my emotional needs. He's a tender, compassionate man, and I have no idea how I ever managed without him. He's an incredible father. He's talented at getting Anya to calm down when she's fussy, and loves spending time with her. She absolutely adores her father, and I adore him as well.

I love my in-laws, and how supportive they are of all of their children and children-in-law. I'm thankful my mother-in-law came to help us out right after Anya was born. I'm also thankful for Havie, who reached out to me so much right after my miscarriage. I'm thankful for my four cute nieces. I can't wait to see the girls and young women they grow into. Actually, I can, since I think all of these little girls should stay little forever.

Anyway, I needed to talk about the good things going on in my life. Now I think I'll take a nap while Anya is happy/asleep in her bed. She REALLY doesn't want anyone to talk to her today, and gets mad if she sees me in her room.