Stephanie's At The End Of Her Rope

So, as lots of you know, my dad's back in the Huntsman Cancer Institute.

When he had his larynx removed, he also had the lymphnodes in his neck removed, which now causes fluid to become trapped in his face/head. This is likely the cause of a series of severe nosebleeds he had at home which became bad enough, which, along with the swelling preventing him from breathing through his stoma, caused him to be air flighted to the hospital here.

He's stable right now, and communicates by writing the things he wants to say. When I visited him tonight, he was cracking jokes like his normal self.

I think that right now, I need to vent and to cry a little bit. I need to draw on the strength and support of others because emotionally and physically, I am exhausted.

Due to road conditions being so dangerous right now, my mom is in Winnemucca still. I'm totally fine with that, and actually encourage her to be there so she stays safe. However, this causes my little family to be the only ones who are close to the hospital and can take care of my dad while he's there. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with him, and I'm glad were here to take care of him. I feel torn, though, since Anya needs me and can't stay at the hospital for too long before getting fussy and needing to go home to take a nap. I mean, she's 4 months old! She's now aware of the world and would rather cry for hours on end than take a nap during the day. Unfortuantely, this doesn't work for me at the hospital. (Heck, I want to rip my hair out at home when she decides to scream in order to stay awake.) Her Grandpa LOVES seeing her, and thouroughly enjoys the company when we visit, but I always feel our visits are too short. I feel that he needs more. So tonight, I left Anya with Daniel and went to the hospital by myself. I felt good at being able to stay for a few hours, but when I got home, I felt horrible for not being there with/for Anya and Daniel. Now here I am, unable to sleep, becuase I feel so bad for not holding my baby before she went to sleep, not having any time with my husband today, and for not being able to be with my dad for longer periods.

To make matters worse, I keep thinking about the fact that, as exhausted as I am, Anya is going to be awake wanting to eat in 4-5 hours. Then I think of how tired I'll be tomorrow, then I think of my poor dad in the hospital again and of how sick he has gotten in the past year or so, and I just...kind of worry about how to fix what's making the guilt I have happen. So this is where I need some help. Right now, I just really need some love and support and praise for what I'm trying to do for my childhood family and my grown-up family. Please, I really need some help right now.

4 Months!

Mine beebee is 4 months old! CRAZY!

She's hitting developmental milestones beautifully, rolling all over the place, and putting EVERYTHING in her mouth! Also, she has discovered her feet and loves to talk to them!

Still puny as ever, she weighs 10 lb 3 oz, is 26 inches long, and has a head. (I seem to never remember the head circumference...) She's in the 0 percentime for her weight, 25th for length, and 10th for head circumference.