The Healing Power of Forgiveness

One of my goals for this week that I added to the "master list" is to find some down time to study up on the gospel. If I'm choosing to be a part of it and choosing to instill the gospel as one of my values into my daughter, I'd better be consistently trying to learn and grow in it.

Anya's down for a nap right now, so I decided to go to the lds.org website, search for a topic I want to study about, and see what comes up. Since the topic of forgiveness is on my mind, I decided to look up that. I found President James E. Faust's article called, "The Healing Power of Forgiveness." I'd really like to share some things that stand out to me.

In it, he begins by talking about the horrible Amish shooting a few years ago. Something that really impressed me was how these Amish people who had lost their daughters in such a violent way completely forgave the family of the man who had killed the girls. They attended the mans funeral services, and in turn, invited his family to the funeral services of their daughters. When money was donated to them by others who had heard about this act of violence, they shared the money with the man's family. This impressed me so much that I wish to be like them.

Let's be realistic here. I'm no where near that good. So for now, I'm going to work on forgiving and letting things go over time instead of holding on to past resentments. Forgiveness doesn't have to come right away, but it's an amazing thing when it does come over time.

He also quoted another individual who brilliantly defined what forgiveness is, “Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”

I fully live by the saying that "holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Forgiveness, in my opinion, is not excusing another person's actions. Everyone needs to stand accountable for their actions. Forgiveness is purely for oneself. If I forgive someone for doing something horrible, that doesn't mean I think what they did is okay. As I forgive, I essentially disallow a person to have power over me and how I live my life.

Now, I'm going to be bold in saying that it's stupid, unhealthy, and very un-Christian to to knowingly and willingly hold a grudge. With that in mind, know that sometimes I'm stupid, unhealthy, and act very un-Christian sometimes too. I'm not placing myself on any kind of pedestal.

I do hope we can all learn how to forgive others fully, willingly, and easily. I strongly believe that if we all work harder at forgiving others, we will all be much happier as individuals, families, and as a society as a whole.

Goals for the week of 1/24/11

In combating my depression, it is VERY important for me to stick to a routine and avoid being idle at all costs. When my dad died, my routine got incredibly thrown off, my house became completely neglected, and I got so overwhelmed I didn't even want to work out anymore. (Working out, I've discovered, has become a great passion of mine. I LOVE the feeling of my body being able to do things it couldn't before, pushing myself to the next level, and the need and desire to eat right as my body realizes how starved it gets for nutrients.)

So, in order to make things easier for me, and therefore for Daniel and Anya, I'm re-establishing a daily routine. Tackling the whole house at once, by myself, with Anya wanting to play whenever she's awake, is impossible. Therefore, I'm going to start small. If I get a task list for myself every day and get the items on my list done, then even if my house still looks horrible, it's okay because I met my goals.

Here's what my master list for each day looks like:

1. Laundry (seriously, never ending...)

2. dishes (stupid dishes!)

3. P90X

4. Cook Dinner

The master list is things that ABSOLUTELY have to be done on a daily basis. (Granted, P90X and cooking are there for my own sanity. Working out is amazing, and I LOVE cooking nice meals for my family. They keep me from eating out and keep Daniel from making a quick meal...) Each day three other activities will be added to the master list, which will change on a daily basis. For instance, usually Mondays involve grocery shopping and cleaning the clutter out of the living room. Since the laundry and dishes build up over the weekend, that takes a HUGE chunk of time as well as taking Daniel to and from work on days where I need the car.

Today, my list includes:

1. Laundry (seriously, never ending)

2. Dishes

 (Which Daniel did for me over the weekend, so I only have the dishes from this mornings breakfast!)

3. P90X

4. Cook Dinner

5. Fold and put away laundry

(if I don't write this one down for today, it won't get done)

6. Scrub bathroom

7. empty trashes

8. Clean and vacuum living room

I know it doesn't look like a lot, but in getting back into my routine, this is where I'm going to start. Plus, I have a teething baby who is pretty clingy right now, so that doesn't allow me to do as much as I would like.

My Dad

Okay, I'm ready to talk just a little bit about my dad. Not too much, though, since I'm currently not on antidepressants or seeing any kind of therapist and I don't want to break apart so much that I can't be there for my family.

I'm not really sure what I should be saying or feeling right now. I'm not so sure of what I expected from myself in this situation. I mean, I'm married and I have a baby. It's not like I needed my dad like I did when I was younger. There's just so much that was left unsaid. There's so much that could have been but isn't.

In the last few days of his life, he was very drugged up to keep him comfortable. When we, Daniel, Anya, and I, would visit him in the hospice facility, Anya would look at him and get excited. She would make her "play with me!" noises and didn't understand why her grandpa wasn't holding her. They had a connection with each other. Granted, from Anya's end, the connection probably related to all of the fun "toys" Grandpa was hooked up to that she could grab. In the hospital, when he would hold her, he would bring her close to his face to give her a kiss, but Anya, seeing a grabbable face, would reach out to pull his lips. Since he couldn't speak by this point, he would gently, but firmly yank her away from his face. She loved that game! She would crack up and giggle every time this happened, which made my dad smile a bit too.

My dad was always afraid of us as babies, and I don't think he held either of his own babies until we were around 6 months old. That's not to say he didn't cuddle us. He would have us on a pillow and wrap an arm around the baby. When Anya was closer to three months old, I was talking to my mom, holding a squirmy Anya, and all of a sudden, my baby was gone! I looked up to find that he had picked her up out of my arms and was cuddling her.

Okay, I think that's all I'm going to talk about right now.

5 Months

Wow! This month has been heartbreakingly crazy! My dad died on the 15th, and since I'm not ready to talk about that just yet, I'm going to let that be.

One thing I WILL talk about is my 5 month old! CRAZY! Has it really been 5 months?

Anyway, Anya is getting smarter and funnier by the day. I would say bigger too, but she just isn't gaining weight very fast! Little wiggleworm keeps burning her calories before they make baby fat! She has started eating baby cereal, and LOVES it! She likes it best when it's mixed with either formula or some kind of baby food. If I don't pile it in fast enough, she opens her mouth as WIDE as she can and says, "eh eh eh!" As cute as that is, if I dont pick up the pace, she'll get VERY angry. Her favorite foods are applesause, pears, green beans, carrots, and baby rice. She DOES NOT like bananas or squash. In fact, if I sneak them into that cute little mouth, she'll make herself throw up to get the taste out.

She likes to talk ALL the time! She likes to talk to Mommy and Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa, her toys, her crib, her hippo (although the hippo usually gets yelled at more than chatted to) and if none of those things are around, she's happy to talk to herself. She LOVES the sound of her voice, and has started distracting herself from being fussy when she yells at us in the right pitch. At the right pitch, she forgets she's angry and has fun making that noise over and over. At church, she likes to talk to whoever is speaking in Sacrament or teaching a lesson. You may think this is cute, but when she's the only thing anyone in a 10 foot radius of her can hear and then gets mad because no one in the room is talking about her, it tends to distract from what is being said by people who can form actual words.

She loves to stand up while holding our hands (and this is when she usually speaks the loudest) and can sit up by herself until she gets distracted by something she sees (which is usually within 5 seconds of sitting up). When we put her on her tummy and put toys just out of her reach, she understands that there has to be a way to get to the toy, but usually just ends up trying to army crawl with her feet flailing in the air until she gets mad and throws her face into the floor. We're still working on cause and effect as it pertains to tantrums...

She has gotten very good at using her hands! She likes grabbing her binky out of her mouth and putting it somewhere else (usually my mouth...). If I put toys in her crib at naptime, I almost always find teeting rings around each arm and her blanket over her face. Trying to move any of these items is near impossible since she grabs the blanket at her chest and wont let me move it or her arms.

Overall, this girl keeps us laughing and wondering how we ever did without her.

Stephanie's At The End Of Her Rope

So, as lots of you know, my dad's back in the Huntsman Cancer Institute.

When he had his larynx removed, he also had the lymphnodes in his neck removed, which now causes fluid to become trapped in his face/head. This is likely the cause of a series of severe nosebleeds he had at home which became bad enough, which, along with the swelling preventing him from breathing through his stoma, caused him to be air flighted to the hospital here.

He's stable right now, and communicates by writing the things he wants to say. When I visited him tonight, he was cracking jokes like his normal self.

I think that right now, I need to vent and to cry a little bit. I need to draw on the strength and support of others because emotionally and physically, I am exhausted.

Due to road conditions being so dangerous right now, my mom is in Winnemucca still. I'm totally fine with that, and actually encourage her to be there so she stays safe. However, this causes my little family to be the only ones who are close to the hospital and can take care of my dad while he's there. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with him, and I'm glad were here to take care of him. I feel torn, though, since Anya needs me and can't stay at the hospital for too long before getting fussy and needing to go home to take a nap. I mean, she's 4 months old! She's now aware of the world and would rather cry for hours on end than take a nap during the day. Unfortuantely, this doesn't work for me at the hospital. (Heck, I want to rip my hair out at home when she decides to scream in order to stay awake.) Her Grandpa LOVES seeing her, and thouroughly enjoys the company when we visit, but I always feel our visits are too short. I feel that he needs more. So tonight, I left Anya with Daniel and went to the hospital by myself. I felt good at being able to stay for a few hours, but when I got home, I felt horrible for not being there with/for Anya and Daniel. Now here I am, unable to sleep, becuase I feel so bad for not holding my baby before she went to sleep, not having any time with my husband today, and for not being able to be with my dad for longer periods.

To make matters worse, I keep thinking about the fact that, as exhausted as I am, Anya is going to be awake wanting to eat in 4-5 hours. Then I think of how tired I'll be tomorrow, then I think of my poor dad in the hospital again and of how sick he has gotten in the past year or so, and I just...kind of worry about how to fix what's making the guilt I have happen. So this is where I need some help. Right now, I just really need some love and support and praise for what I'm trying to do for my childhood family and my grown-up family. Please, I really need some help right now.

4 Months!

Mine beebee is 4 months old! CRAZY!

She's hitting developmental milestones beautifully, rolling all over the place, and putting EVERYTHING in her mouth! Also, she has discovered her feet and loves to talk to them!

Still puny as ever, she weighs 10 lb 3 oz, is 26 inches long, and has a head. (I seem to never remember the head circumference...) She's in the 0 percentime for her weight, 25th for length, and 10th for head circumference.

A Bit On Motherhood

After Daniel put Anya to bed (since I'm having more seperation anxiety than the baby about this whole sleeping in the crib thing) I had a few thoughts that I'd like to share.

When I think about my first pregnancy, I'm not hurt like I was before. In fact, I'm not hurt at all. Based on the knowledge I have about the Plan of Salvation, I know that my child is out there somewhere serving our Father in Heaven. The child is still mine no matter what, and I know that someday we'll be reunited as a family. I'm actually pretty excited to get to know this person. Before Anya was even a prospect to us, thinking about the miscarriage hurt me so deeply that I almost couldn't function.

Now that I have Anya, I'm so appriciative for her in my life. Her very life is a miracle. For me to concieve without any kind of fertility treatment was supposed to be almost impossible. Since I was also on the pill, there is no reason why I should have become pregnant in the first place. I also have a pretty high chance for miscarriage with any pregnancy. Without the medication I had been on, there was about a 30% chance of keeping her. With the medication, that went up to about a 60% chance. Anya overcame so much before she was even born! Then, when I was in labor, we very well could have lost her. Had it not been for the attentive nurses and the miracle of C-Sections, my sweet baby may very well have been strangled to death before even taking her first breath.

Her amazing, wonderful spirit is helping me to keep going. I wouldn't say she helps me to overcome my depression since it's a constant battle that will never truly be "overcome." She does give me greater motivation to get up and stay busy. She's like Daniel, in that she can make me smile and laugh no matter how badly I'm feeling. It's in no way her responsibility to take care of me and make sure I'm mentally healthy, but looking into those beautiful, observant blue eyes fills me with something that I normally lack. I'm not quite sure what that which I lack is exactly, but Anya has it and can share it.

Anya is everything I had ever wanted in a child. She's spunky, smart, strong, beautiful, patient (most of the time), forgiving, and as a child, teaches me how to live in a way that I've forgotten. From her, I'm rediscovering the magic of feet, the absolute pleasure of seeing someone new, and what a hero her daddy is to both of us. Her love for life is completely contagious! I must admit that I'm slowly becoming an optomist.

Thank you, my sweet little one, for teaching me how to see life and all its magic and wonders again.